I HAD TO

Realising Allah is in total control is the beginning of wisdom.

I got to a stage of my life where I was more of a robot than a human. I was doing things like I didn't have a choice, like I wasn't human if I didn't do it. It was so hard to breathe freely. At home everything I did was questioned, how I talked, how I coughed even how I breathed.

School was no better. I lost interest in anything relating to studies and resulted to crash reading when it was time for exams, and funny enough I'd still pass, even topping the class.

I was walking on egg shells from a very young age but no one ever seemed to notice. Waking up everyday was a big problem because I was exhausted, tired of going through the same routine everyday. I wasn't searching for freedom, no , I was searching for purpose.

I was tired of all the " just pass your exams and get into university" talk I was hearing almost everyday like the University was some kind of pass to an ultimately perfect life.

Then one day I stumbled upon my old diary, and I flipped through the pages I was greeted by the smell of dust and wood and the brown pages filled with childhood memories beginning with " dear diary".

And there I stood for hours immersed in memories, hearing the laughter and tears that summed up my childhood.

Then I asked myself what went wrong, where did the laughter go, why has the freedom to cry left, where has the will to wake up every morning gone, when did the carefree me die?? There was only one answer.

I grew up too early.

Not because I wanted to but because I had to. Because society had big dreams for me, I had to grow up and fulfill them. As the first born of the family, I am an example for my younger siblings, so it was improper for me to continue playing with sand, I had to grow up.

But I wished they had warned me it would come with sacrifices, that being the firstborn was different from being a child. If only they knew, they nearly pushed the firstborn into becoming a stillborn. But Alhamdulillah I survived and I was able to make them proud, even though I'm still coming to terms with the price I had to pay.

Now as a sit down to write this, I'm starting to see the bright side of it all. Like they say every cloud has a silver lining no? Sometimes we need that external push to emerge from our protective cacoon and fly.

It was also in fact a mercy from Allah. It was through that push that I was able to discover a lot of things about myself, albeit subconsciously. It was during those periods that I was forced to ask a lot of questions about life and even myself.

It was through that push I was able to discover Islam. I was able to transition from praying because my parents said I should to praying because I yearned for a chance to be close to my Lord. I moved from being a Muslim because my parents are also Muslims, to being a Muslim because I want to be a Muslim. Alhamdulillah.

Everything in life is about Qadr, if Allah has decreed it's time for you to grow, who are you to say no.

Gracias for staying with me till the end.

Till next time. Adiós. Buenas noches

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatuh

From your crew mate in lifes journey

Bint Nurud-din

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